I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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