If i could tip my vagina, i would.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
