phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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