I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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