i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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