I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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