Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
