So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
