K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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