Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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