I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
