Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
