So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
