OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
