I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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