mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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