I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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