My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
