I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
