My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Too much gin, very little bucket
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
