Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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