I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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