Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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