Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize