He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
