Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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