My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
