Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Farmville is her only friend.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
