the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
