I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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