if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
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