this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
