giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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