Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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