Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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