y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
