i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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