She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
