hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
