I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
