I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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