I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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