I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
