two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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