We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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