i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Rumble strips road head = magical
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
