My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
