oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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