when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
