I'm sorry my penis didn't work
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize