I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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