just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize