You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
