I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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