I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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