are you so shy because you have an std?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
