So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
