had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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