I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
