I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
