You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
