Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
