Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
